A Brain Dump.
Project 365, Day 223/365
I’ve got nothing. I sat down here, on my laptop, about 30 minutes ago. I stared at the screen. I Googled “signs of spinal compression.” I picked up my phone about seven times to look at the same things on Instagram. A friend texted me a quick question and I answered. I realized…oh, I’m thirsty, let me get some water. I decided my head hurt just enough to get back up yet again and get my headache ice hat (more on that on Friday).
Then, I stared some more.
“Hmm, remember that one time, at your very first job in publishing, when your boss and your boss’ boss were out of town, that you decided to take yourself to a movie in the middle of the day, throwing caution to the wind?”
“Ha, yeah, remember that?!? How reckless, how wonderful. What movie was that again?”
“Ah, I think it was one of the Harry Potters. Or maybe the second Sex & The City.”
“Unsure, but it was great. The world didn’t end. You took a long break on a slow day. Why don’t we do more things like that? And why did it used to be so hard to do things like that yourself? Go to a movie yourself? Go out to eat yourself?”
“You know…I don’t know. But it’s wonderful. No pressure to talk to anyone, just taking it in, at your own speed.”
“Yeah, and remember how happy you used to be, just getting in your car on a nice weekend afternoon, cruising around town with nowhere to be? You’d sing to your favorite songs, move your hand in wave motions against the wind that blew in from your open car window.”
“Wow, I haven’t done that in ages. I can still picture one particular afternoon. It was March because I remember thinking how beautiful and perfect the weather was, and how March in Florida is the pinnacle of perfect weather, and how maybe I’d get married in March because of that. I can still see the roads I drove down, watching the trees sway in the breeze while stopped at a red light. I can still feel the peace that filled my body, from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes and all the crevices in between. Perfect.”
“This has been a really hard year, hasn’t it? Covid, BLM, riots in LA, health uncertainties, not seeing family for nearly two years, watching the world through our windows, stress of the unknowns of work when Covid first hit us, then stress of work as it got progressively busier and busier when demands kicked in, stress of the election and politics and the giant continental divide between the people in this country, and kids…oh the kids and what they missed out on these 18 months and…and…and.”
That is the conversation I ping-ponged around in my head with myself just now, as I avoided writing. So, I wrote it.
I miss movie theaters and long solo drives and carefree days and lunch dates and family and days without the mention of covid and masks and protests and politic divides and being a republican or democrat and mandates and fights against mandates and worry. My goodness, we’ve all been through a lot. Beyond any other individual life battles, wow has it been a lot to process and take in. It makes me want to throw my phone in the middle of the street to get rolled over by the street sweeper, never to get another notification or news alert or meme or email. My phone has become the portal to information, good and bad. Anyone else wish they could “accidentally” drop theirs into the garbage disposal?
Anyway, today is what I call a brain dump. Literally. I just DUMPED my actual brain onto this page for you to read. It’s messy, it’s imperfect, it’s real. And you know what? It felt good. Even if you don’t consider yourself a writer, the exercising of brain dumping is pretty therapeutic. I highly recommend it.
See you tomorrow, FOAS.