A Post Dedicated to My Mom: Tuesday Gratitudes

If you’ve been a FOAS since FOAS became a thing, you know that Tuesdays were earmarked as days to share our gratitude for the little and big things in our lives. Warm socks to wellness; ice cream to (good) in-laws. Today, I come back after some time away, to share one of my greatest gratitudes: my mother.

You see, today is my mommy’s birthday, and this year, these last four months really, I am grateful for my mom in ways I never could have fathomed. I remember when I was growing up, how she’d always say “one day, when you have children, you’ll understand.” I’d roll my eyes, say something smart or dismissive, and let her words float away from me without much meaning.

But well, she was right. Duh. I have a daughter of my own now, and I understand. I understand how much my mom loves me. How much she’s sacrificed for me. How much she’s given of herself for me. I’m so grateful she’s my mom and that she’s my daughter’s grandmother (or as we say in my family, “Babu”). She’s the greatest, most loving “Babu” that ever was, and today, on her birthday, I want to share a poem I’ve been saving for several months.

One late night or possibly early morning, I stumbled upon this beautiful piece of writing as I rocked Evelyn to sleep in the wee hours. Still high on all the hormones of post-partum, I literally sobbed quietly. I’m pretty sure my tears dripped down onto my newborn baby’s face. There may have been a snotty nose involved. I barely got through reading it the first time I tried. My mom was asleep in the guest bedroom at the time, and all I wanted to do was go and hug her. But instead, I said “save this, share it with her later,” and here we are today.

I so wish I had written this myself. Honestly, reading every line, it feels like I could have, though Sarah of Matrescent Muse actually did. Going back to type this up, I see she also sells prints of her beautiful poetry, and I fully intend to buy this one to frame and save.

The only thing I’d change is swapping “mom” for “Mum” (she’s Australian). So mom, happy birthday. Thank you for loving me and my baby like no one else could.

Dear Mum,
In the past, I’ve thanked you
“For all that you’ve done for me,”
Yet recently I’ve come to learn
What those words truly mean

Something has changed within me, Mum,
I’m no longer that same girl
I’ve crossed over a threshold,
Stepped into another world

It seems the light is different here,
It’s changed all that I knew,
And now I have come face-to-face
With another side of you

Some nights, I have been wide awake
Rocking my baby in the dark,
Thinking, is this how you held me, too?
With my head pressed against your heart?

Did you ever gaze at me and wish
You could just press pause on time?
Or study my tiny features, and think
“How could you really be mine?”

Did you ever have the strangest sense
That I was still part of you?
That my soul extended from your own,
That my heart was your heart, too?

And Mum, did you ever mourn the girl
That you had been before?
I’m nervous to say, but were there days
You didn’t want to be “mum” anymore?

For this is what I’ve been through, Mum,
And it’s made me weep for you,
As I realized that this might be what
You went through for me, too

I know I have not journeyed far
Down this path of motherhood,
Yet the extent of what you’ve done for me
Is slowly being understood

So Mum, I deeply thank you
For those long and loving years
When you sacrificed it all and gave
Your strength, your heart, your tears

Thank you for shouldering broken sleep,
And soothing my little head,
Thank you for laying twisted and stiff
So that I could share your bed

Thank you for singing through the pain
As you nursed me at your breast
Thank you for rocking me, hours on end,
In the arms that I loved best

And thanks for greeting me every day
With games and songs and smiles,
I hope the love and joy we’ve shared
Helped make it all worthwhile

I’m sorry for all the times we fought,
As do all girls and their mothers,
My words like barbs, piercing a heart
That had loved me like no other

And I really mean it when I say,
It’s a privilege, sure and true,
To navigate my motherhood
With a compass whose North is you

For life has come full-circle
Now I nurse my own baby,
Whispering those lullabies
That you once sang to me

So Mum-Mum, if you wondered then
As you held me, just us two,
Whether I’d ever understand
Those years of me and you

How it felt to put yourself second
So that I always came first,
Exhausted by a perfect love
That made your whole heart burst

It seems this baby has been a gift,
A mirror into our pasts,
Reflecting a time when I was your baby,
A time of firsts, and lasts

And though your efforts then are still
Being understood by me,
I’ve always carried those days with me
For our love is their legacy

So thank you, Mum, for something
That in my heart I always knew:
I know who loved me like no one else could,
It was you, it was you, it was you.

See you soon, FOAS, but before you go, join me in wishing my mom, the original Arlyn, a happy happy birthday!