13 Months Later: I’m Finally Ready for “Quarantine” To End

Project 365, Day 103/365

I’m ready. Today, as I sat on the blanket atop the sand with Charles, looking around at families together, the world moving around us, I found peace in myself in knowing I’m ready for the world to open back up, at least emotionally. I say that with the caveat, of course, of being perfectly okay with things remaining cautious, extremely so. We are still in a global pandemic. Things are not back to normal, but for the last 13 months, I was anxious about being rushed back into “normal” life. I remember writing a newsletter back in April (that I later re-published on the blog in July when I launched Arlyn Says last year), a lump of apprehension sitting in my stomach about the Stay at Home orders that were supposed to be lifted come May 15 (2020). The thought of heading back to an office, heading back into social obligations, leaving my safe little cocoon was all-encompassing to me back then. Of course, no one knew what we were truly in, or what the next months or year would look like. And as we all know now, it wasn’t good. It still isn’t.

Here’s a (longish) snippet of what I wrote, essentially a very different person then than I am now it feels like…living in what luckily feels like a bit of a different world:

I understand that I am incredibly privileged to still have a job that I can do safely from home, as does Charles. I have enough funds for food. I have the luxury of sitting around nights and weekends contemplating what I’m going to write for my blog, what type of baked good I’ll attempt, what drawer I can organize, what (healthy!) friend or family member I can FaceTime or bombard with memes. 

I understand this is not the same story for many, so am I privileged and blessed? Very much so. Which likely explains why I’m feeling confused (and guilty). I keep doing this weird mental countdown: 4 weeks until May 15, 3 weeks until May 15…and as the number of days gets increasingly smaller, I get a pit of anxiety in my stomach. I don’t want it to end just yet. I’ve strangely gotten incredibly comfortable sitting at the bench in my front window looking out onto the street (not actually stepping foot on said street). Sitting and working side-by-side Charles at the dining table, stopping for a lunch break together, rewatching episodes of “The Office” for the 17th time while we eat our sandwiches. Positively zero guilt or FOMO for not crossing the threshold for days on end with the exception of running down to grab our grocery delivery or Amazon package. 

Before all of this, if I spent a whole day at home, strictly indoors, it felt like I was “wasting” my free time. Even if I was productive inside, the idea that I was not out there experiencing the city, running errands, trying that restaurant I bookmarked on Instagram, meant my day was squandered. Then Sunday night would come and I’d be exhausted from trying to live, wishing I had more time to just linger, lounge, be content in the nothingness (said just like a woman without children…just a husband to feed and a job to show up for). Don’t think I’m crazy, but sometimes I wonder if I manifested this with all my wishing for more time at home. Obviously, I didn’t, because if I manifested anything, it wouldn’t be *this* but these are the things that go through my mind sometimes. Welcome.

I’ve traded the weight of my silly fear of missing out for the COVID-19-related weight we all have but unexpectedly got something else in exchange: the lightness that comes with letting go of guilt (of course, paired with the other guilt of feeling like this is some kind of reset instead of a terrible, world-wide crisis. Again…weird and strange times). 

I know where April 2020 Arlyn was coming from. She was speaking from a place of security. From a position of being scared out of her mind to even so much as open a window and take a deep breath, and feeling like she might be pushed out of the nest too early, wings not ready to fly again.

This time at home has been the biggest blessing to me while I’ve been dealing with physical struggles, of course. I don’t know how things might have looked different for me, my job, even Charles’ job had the world not shut down. And this past summer, fall, winter, as I saw people (on Instagram) venture out into the world, I sat in a wee bit of judgement about their wreckless behavior. “Why and how are people ready for this? It’s not time yet. It’s dangerous out there. People are dying,” I’d think. Yes, I did actually think all those things, but the introvert in me was always just saying “I don’t get it, why do people need to be anywhere but their homes right now?” Zero interest over here from me.

Maybe it’s the fact that most of the people I know are fully vaccinated or on their way to being fully vaccinated. Maybe it’s that I finally was able to book my first vaccine appointment this week (!!). Maybe it’s that things are feel just a tiny bit less bleak, at least to me. Or maybe I’m just SO TIRED OF BEING INSIDE, but the thought of this upcoming June, with the city of Los Angeles claims they’ll fully open back up again, I’m not counting down with a boulder of anxiety in my gut. Are we all a bit foolish? Whose to say. We could look back in another year from now and say to ourselves “hahaha remember when we thought we were almost through that whole thing, silly us” but GOOD LORD I HOPE NOT.

While I have absolutely, positively, zero desire to return back to an office (something I told my boss this past week when prompted) like…ever, I’m ready. I’m ready to sit in a restaurant with friends again. I’m ready to say “sure!” when someone invites me over for dinner. I’m ready to book vacations again without double and triple questioning whether it’s smart or responsible. I’m ready to stroll through the grocery store again, taking in all the fresh produce, picking just the pieces I want to bring home with me. I’m ready to see my family again. Man oh man am I ready for that. To hug my mom and dad. To kiss my nephews until they push me away because they’re too “cool” for that. I’m ready.

I’m ready to be ready for the world to be ready again. Whether that takes another few weeks, months or (really, truly hopefully not) years, I’m ready.

How about you?

See you tomorrow, FOAS.