I’ve Been Keeping a Secret…

I’ve been waiting what feels like an eternity to write this post. I mean, I guess technically, I’ve been waiting my whole life to write this post. Off the heels of one of my worst years, filled with fear, anxiousness, pain, unknowing, one of the greatest lights and joys has come.

Surprise! I’m having a baby.

Just about five months in, I can mentally rewind back to the day I found out. Thrilled, terrified. If you’ve ever been there, I’m sure you recognize that cocktail of emotions. Just a few weeks prior, after seeing an announcement from someone I knew way back in my middle school days, I was super emotional, wondering if I’d ever be in that position, considering my mysterious ailments. One of my greatest fears, truthfully, was time passing me by without ever getting the chance to be a mother. At 36, time felt like it was ticking by at a clip, and I knew my window was quickly closing. There’s a part of me that has always known this *had* to be part of my story. So, with some blind faith that all would be fine, it happened.

You may be wondering how this all fits in with my health issues. Well, in truth, it doesn’t, really. This wasn’t necessarily the plan, but all has been okay. Nothing has gotten worse. In fact, some things have gotten a little better. And for those questioning “wait, what are your health issues?” I wish I could tell you. Not in a “I’m being purposefully vague for the Internet” way, but because no one can even tell me. As a quick refresher, after taking a tumble last year, I started experiencing strange heavy and weak sensations in my legs accompanied by other symptoms (chronic tension headaches, full-body aches, horrible sciatica, stiffness…all kinds of things). I’ve seen specialists, two internists, an acupuncturist, two chiropractors, have been in physical therapy for 10 months, have had gallons of blood draws, numerous MRIs and nerve tests and scans…and not a single person can tell me what or why. Thankfully, there has been a shift for the positive since last year, but it wavers. Some days are better than others. I’ve chosen to live my life regardless, and it has helped my mental health tremendously.

To be honest, in the beginning of my pregnancy, it was hard to let myself be too excited, not knowing if whatever was the root of my symptoms would have any negative impact on the baby or the new form my body was taking. But when I let myself be still and I quieted my mind, I always felt a warm calm. And I’ve let myself sit in that calm because it’s very reassuring.

So, still, without many answers for myself, I can comfortably say that all is well with baby. Every test and every scan and every ultrasound has been perfect, thank heavens! While I wanted to tell everyone here weeks ago, I felt like I needed to get through the big 20-week anatomy scan to ensure everything was on the up and up. And it is! Phew!

I’m sure you all have questions, so I’m going to preemptively answer a handful now that I seem to be getting over and over again, starting with:

How have you been feeling?

I’m well into my second trimester now, but that first one was, eh…exactly how they say it is. Ha! I remember sitting on the couch at around 6 or 7 weeks, with no sign of nausea thinking that maybe I was one of the lucky ones. I mean…hadn’t I suffered enough already?!? This was life paying me back for my torturous year. And then…it hit at about 8 weeks. The “morning” sickness. For me, it always came at night, with the exception of some mornings…and afternoons. 5 pm would roll around and I was miserable. Sick. After a rather disgusting incident in the shower shortly following eating too many pickles (I do not need to go into any further details and also I’m sorry I even said this at all), my sweet Charles went to the store to buy what we coined the “puke bucket.” A blue mop bucket that sat next to me in bed, or by the sofa, or by my desk. PREGNANCY IS BEAUTIFUL! 😉

But I started feeling better after about 14 weeks, thank goodness. Now I’m mostly just trying to balance staying comfortably active and resting. No weird cravings or aversions. I’m trying to eat well with the occasional In-n-Out double-double thrown into the mix (iron!). I haven’t ventured back to eat salmon since one day early on where halfway through a salmon dinner, it turned on me (and my stomach), but other than that, it’s all pretty normal.

How far along are you?

21 weeks and change! I’ve finally crossed over from looking like I ate too large of a chimichanga to actually looking like I’m growing a human (that just so happens to be about the size of a large chimichanga!). It’s pretty exciting. I always used to wonder why women would be constantly rubbing their bellies on TV and movies, or always posing/standing/walking with their hands on their bellies, but I’m one of them now. It’s a reflex. I walk around the apartment rubbing circles on and chit-chatting with my belly, and I’m not entirely sure when it started. It just feels right and makes me feel connected to this little human.

So…do you know what you’re having?

Yup, sure do. This is a peek at the moment we found out:

If you look closely at the knife I’m holding, you’ll see the same candy I saw when I cut into the cake and learned we were having a daughter! A daughter! It’s still hard to wrap my head around. I’m going to write a separate post about all that soon, and tell you more about this day, promise.

How is Charles handling this all?

Oh my sweet, heady, pensive Charles. He told me he had an inkling this all was happening before I even told him and didn’t sleep a wink for at least a week. He picked up on some cues, he said. (I found out on a Tuesday and told him on the following Saturday morning—the morning before Father’s Day actually. Again, a story for another day if you’re interested!) He is handling it exactly as I thought he would: very seriously. For anyone who knows him, you already know that Charles takes *everything* seriously. The man makes picking the type of mustard he wants on his deli sandwich—spicy, yellow, brown, full-grain?!?!—have the same gravitas as most people deciding if they’re ready for marriage. So yeah…you can only imagine. I think he’s only now, five months later, sleeping again.

But he’s thrilled. We always wanted to be parents. Charles has the kind of spirit that children are drawn to. They LOVE him. I’m pretty sure my nephews would pick him over me if they had to (I mean, maybe not, but it would absolutely be a very hard decision for them and thank goodness they’ll never have to choose!). He’s serious, thoughtful, pensive, authentic, and truly one of the greatest humans I’ve ever encountered. He was born to be a father, which of course makes him worry that he’ll never be good enough. I know, with every cell in my body, that our daughter is immensely lucky that she gets him as her dad. Hyperbole to say the luckiest girl in the world, but this is my blog, and I can be hyperbolic if I want to. 🙂

Are you moving back to Florida to be near your family?

This is a very complicated one to answer for many reasons I’m not ready to go into just yet, but the short answer, for now, is: no. Not at the moment.

Do you have a name picked out?

Yes…and no. Before we knew that the little Hernandez-Shaw hybrid I was baking up was a girl, we only ever had girl names picked out. Boy names are HARD! A few weeks before finding out, we both agreed on something we really seemed to like, and that’s kind of what it’s been since. But I’m not married to anything. (YOU HEAR THAT MOTHER? DO NOT EMBROIRDER ANYTHING YET!). It’s still our top pick, but I feel like I need to see her face to know if it feels right. And sorry…not going to share until I’m ready. But one thing I’ll say is, we both very much like classic, old-school names, so nothing “modern” or unusual.

Now that the cat human is out of the bag, I’d love to write more about this whole experience if you’re interested. I can’t wait to hear all your questions and will do my best to answer them either in the comments or as stand-alone posts if they feel like they deserve further writing. My FOAS have been along with me all this year, keeping my head up when times felt implausibly hard, so being able to share this personal joy with you now is something I’m very excited about.

See you tomorrow, friends.