The Ecstasy That is Normalcy
A quick heads up: this post is not well thought out. It’s not a nicely packaged piece of editorial. It’s just me, my thoughts, my fingers moving and hopefully your eyeballs absorbing.
I’ve *obviously* been VERY absent lately. I have mentioned here and on my Instagram a little bit about why. My body has been a bit of a stranger lately, and to be honest, that’s an understatement. The last two months have been immensely difficult for me, both physically and emotionally. I’m still in the process of finding out what’s going on with me. So far, the tests I’ve gotten (3 MRIs, numerous blood panels) have not provided an “Ah ha!” moment. In fact, they’ve left me with “uh…huh?” moments.
So I’m waiting for some more tests and hopeful that one day soon, I’ll have answers to what is ailing me and have my body back. In my darkest moments the last several weeks, I have envisioned a life with many hinderances. I’ve wondered if my future desires of being a mother will be thwarted. Looking back at photos from just a few months back, when everything worked the way it should work, would make me pang with longing. That photo up there, man what I wouldn’t give to jump around the way I did that day when Charles photographed me. Like I said, it’s been a dark few months for me.
But the last few days, I’ve hit a wall. I’m exhausted from false optimism. My bed, which used to be my lighthouse in the storm, my comfort, is smothering me. I’M SO TIRED OF BEING IN BED. I’m tired of streaming TV shows and movies. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I do not feel much better, but in the last few days, I’ve made the decision that as best I can, I’m going to pick myself up and just try to live. Try to keep moving forward. I went on a drive with Charles both days this weekend. After Saturday’s announcement of the election results, I wanted to be out, experiencing life. We got in the car, went to go get my favorite soft-serve ice cream in LA (CVT…if you’re local, check them out), stopped by the Kogi truck to get tacos and I tolerated my discomfort because I was LIVING.
Sunday came and I felt a tiny bit better, if only emotionally or mentally. So we went on another drive. Living here along the Pacific affords me the pleasures of taking a jaunt up the coast, albeit short. We listened to My Favorite Murder as we tend to do lately when going somewhere (which isn’t often ha), we talked about the future of this country and I tried to push aside the heaviness in my body, the tug of my head, to feel “normal.” I gotta say, normal has never felt so good. When you’re at 100%, you take it SO for granted, only to be realized when you go from 5% to 50%. At 50% right now compared to the low point I was at recently, feels VERY FREAKING GOOD.
Monday came and again, I felt a little better. Physically, I’m about the same, but all of a sudden, I feel full of energy to DO. I want to jump-start my bedroom design, I want to cook up some recipes to share, I want to get back in the saddle. I know I’m struggling with ableness, but there are so many people in this world that I admire that accomplish so much with huge bodily hurdles. I can do anything. I’ve decided.
Being so down for so long has stripped me of my confidence, to be honest. HELLO IMPOSTER SYNDROME. All these weeks away, I’d be lying if thoughts like “eh, no one misses me anyway” didn’t creep in. Your lovely emails and messages have proven otherwise. THANK YOU ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL PEOPLE. I want to be back to myself, if at least mentally, to be present here. To keep going with Arlyn Says. I MISS YOU. I miss this blog. When I launched, I had some BIG long-term plans for this all and I don’t want to forget them. I am bigger than what is happening in my body. YOU ARE BIGGER THAN YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE RIGHT NOW.
I’m not going to make promises like I did in the beginning that I’ll 100% be here at the very least on Sundays, because for now, I know I’ll fail myself and you. But I always send out an email when I have a new post, so be sure to be signed up for the newsletter to know when I post!
I’ll end my journal entry to share some things I’ve bookmarked on Instagram lately that fill me with hope and determination. If they helped me, maybe they’ll help at least one of you.
