The Intersection of Feeling Pain & Joy at the Same Time

Hey friends. Sorry for my absence yesterday. The truth is, I felt awful. My body was aching, heavy, tired. I was frustrated, disheartened, angry. I trudged through my evening as best I could, even got in a small little low-impact workout, but couldn’t bear to drag myself out of bed after to write a post. Depleted. I even ate from there, a practice I try to avoid after months and months of every meal spent on the mattress.

While I’m not sure exactly what triggered my discomfort and pain (yup, even after 13 months of this…still don’t know), I found myself in a weird mental place. An intersection of pain and joy, and it’s a very confusing place to be. It’s like a head-on collision of emotions. On the one hand, you’re so grateful for what’s bringing you joy (my growing baby). On the other, you’re uncomfortable, pissed off, impatient for answers or permanent relief.

Living in opposing feelings is a strange sensation. Your mind is constantly fighting itself. “Why is this happening to me? Why can’t anyone figure this out? Why do I still feel like crap?” answered by “You’re so lucky and blessed to be in this position. Don’t take the things that are good for granted. Be happy.” I’m all for letting yourself feel what you’re feeling with the caveat that you don’t live there too long mentally. That words and thoughts have power. But, I gotta tell ya, it’s tough.

“Invisible” chronic pain is hard enough. You walk through the day “fine” (at least visibly, from the outside), but what no one knows is that every step, or every movement, or every breath is uncomfortable, painful. And you don’t want to walk around with a sign on your chest that reads “I feel like crap, in case you were wondering” because mentally, you need a break from it. But even those closest to you, when you get really good at masking the pain, can forget what you’re going through. I used to give Charles a “report” of my body every day, but it was mostly a bad report, and it was stressing him out maybe even more than it was stressing me out, so I stopped. Instead, opting to tell him when I felt good, but even that is a lot to carry. Now, I just tell him when I need a break, or if I’m particularly in a body funk, because otherwise, it consumes you and those around you.

But back to the original purpose of this post. The disjointed oxymoron that is living with pain and joy all at the same time. I suppose if I didn’t have this one thing currently that’s taking up so much room in my brain, the days that are long and hard and dark would feel even longer, harder, darker. I think for me, right now, it’s even more confusing because both emotions are planted within my very body. The body that is a mystery and causing me suffering is the very body that is doing this thing for me: growing my daughter. How can it be both friend and foe? A duality that I struggle with. Perhaps the answer is trying to keep the two as far apart from each other in my brain as I can, so one doesn’t spoil the other. Even when, physically, I live with both things that are everpresent. Like I said…it’s tough. Being angry at yourself at the same time as grateful at yourself. Can my daughter sense my frustration and anger and pain as much as she can sense my love and happiness? I truly don’t know.

So that’s where I am. I’m in better shape today, luckily. Not perfect, but better. Enough to hug my growing belly, chat with my nena, move about my day. Thanks to those that checked in. How spoiled am I that I not only have my family and “in-person” friends to care for me, but all of you, as well? Thank you.

See you tomorrow, friends. 🙂