The Quarantine Chronicles…

This is a safe place right? Can I admit something without fear of eyeroll? We are now entering The Judgement Free Zone (hopefully Planet Fitness doesn’t come after me for copyright infringement). These truly are strange and confusing times (how often have we all written that in an email or caption? It’s exhausting). Lately, I’ve been thinking about when all of this is over, when the Safer at Home ordinances are lifted here in LA and things go back to whatever normal will become and I gotta be honest: I’m going to miss this. 

Please do not mistake that sentiment as flippant. I understand the severity of this virus on our economic, mental and physical health as I’m sure just like you, I know many people (and their loved ones) have been affected by this, some ending in the worst-case scenario. I understand that I am incredibly privileged to still have a job that I can do safely from home, as does Charles. I have enough funds for food. I have the luxury of sitting around nights and weekends contemplating what I’m going to write for my blog, what type of baked good I’ll attempt, what drawer I can organize, what (healthy!) friend or family member I can FaceTime or bombard with memes. 

“Sunday night would come and I’d be exhausted from trying to live, wishing I had more time to just linger, lounge, be content in the nothingness.”

I understand this is not the same story for many, so am I privileged and blessed? Very much so. Which likely explains why I’m feeling confused (and guilty). I keep doing this weird mental countdown: 4 weeks until May 15, 3 weeks until May 15…and as the number of days gets increasingly smaller, I get a pit of anxiety in my stomach. I don’t want it to end just yet. I’ve strangely gotten incredibly comfortable sitting at the bench in my front window looking out onto the street (not actually stepping foot on said street). Sitting and working side-by-side Charles at the dining table, stopping for a lunch break together, rewatching episodes of “The Office” for the 17th time while we eat our sandwiches. Positively zero guilt or FOMO for not crossing the threshold for days on end with the exception of running down to grab our grocery delivery or Amazon package. 

Before all of this, if I spent a whole day at home, strictly indoors, it felt like I was “wasting” my free time. Even if I was productive inside, the idea that I was not out there experiencing the city, running errands, trying that restaurant I bookmarked on Instagram, meant my day was squandered. Then Sunday night would come and I’d be exhausted from trying to live, wishing I had more time to just linger, lounge, be content in the nothingness (said just like a woman without children…just a husband to feed and a job to show up for). Don’t think I’m crazy, but sometimes I wonder if I manifested this with all my wishing for more time at home. Obviously, I didn’t, because if I manifested anything, it wouldn’t be *this* but these are the things that go through my mind sometimes. Welcome.

I’ve traded the weight of my silly fear of missing out for the COVID-19-related weight we all have but unexpectedly got something else in exchange: the lightness that comes with letting go of guilt (of course, paired with the other guilt of feeling like this is some kind of reset instead of a terrible, world-wide crisis. Again…weird and strange times). 

So with all that said, how are YOU feeling? How have YOU been affected in all of this? Am I alone in thinking forward to a time when I’ll somehow miss this strange anguish-filled time of stillness? I’d really love to know. In the meantime, I’ll be at my window barking at the people from my perch who aren’t wearing masks but also smiling that I can see the mountains clearly in the background I could never see before the air cleared ::insert “we are the virus, the earth is healing” jokes here:: (no, but really)