Being Proud of Yourself is a Big Deal
It’s in the 30s tonight. That’s a rarity here in Southern California. My bedroom, what with its 100-year-old casement windows with just enough warping in the old wood to let air (and the outdoor temperature) seep in freely without welcome, typically feels like a wet, cold shower. Even an inch of skin exposed from outside the covers would make your toes curl. Instantly retreating back under the covers is truly the only option. Charles lay next to me as the credits run on Christmas Vacation on the TV. Lyrics I know by heart coming from the speakers drown out his subtle snoring. I have to get up. I have to find the will to trudge through the cold, to my laptop, and write a post.
Teeth chattering, knees chattering, everything chattering, I reach the thermostat and crank the heat. Still too cold, so I head back to surface the robe I haven’t worn in months from my closet. It barely closes over my nearly 8-month belly, but it’s enough to get me down the hallway until the warmth starts creeping out of the vents. Jealous of Charles calmly and homework-free in bed, I start muttering under my breath to myself. I’m not sure what I said. Likely some incoherent form of “I don’t want to write anything right now. Why didn’t I do this earlier?” Writing a post a day is hardly ever the *real* problem. It’s that I leave it until the last thing for the day, with nothing left to give. Who in their right mind leaves something like this for 11 pm every day? I do. That’s who.
Digging deep for motivation, I decide to go back through my own work. Certainly, there’s something there to help me along. To: Me. From: Me. I land on my very first post of the year: January 1, 2021. Project 365. I remember the day clearly. The thought of sitting here, 12 months later, 349 days (I think) into it all felt impossibly far away.
“I vow to write something—anything—every.single.bloody.day. I know many days, I’m REALLY not going to want to do it. I might not know what to say. Thinking about doing this tomorrow already exhausts me, but also kind of excites me? Exhaustive excitement…exciting exhaustion. I don’t think either is a thing really, but it’s how I feel regardless. I want to be able to look back on December 31, 2021 and say to myself ‘wow, you actually did it. I’m so proud of me.’ Being proud of yourself is a big deal.”
Yes, January 2021 Arlyn, being proud of yourself IS a big deal. You’re going to be able to get through. Maybe not exactly in the way you pictured, with a few little tweaks for your own sake, but you’ll get through. You’ll finish. You will be proud of yourself.
I can recall the impetus for this whole thing. Not having much to do on New Years Day, Charles and I decided to head to the beach, to see the ocean for the first time in 2021. To set our intentions for the coming year. Who would we be? What would happen? What would come to us? I felt excitement bubbling in my chest. It’s unmistakable when I know my excitement is actually going to turn into something. It’s an entirely different feeling. An impeding bigness that isn’t always present when my brain cooks something up. I rehearsed the words that would come out of my mouth for about 20 minutes before I said anything to Charles. I knew once the statement was made, that would be it. I’d have to go through with it. I wouldn’t want to disappoint Charles or myself with another thing I never went all the way with.
Sitting in the passenger seat on Olympic Boulevard, train tracks to the left of us, stopped at a red light. I turned to him and committed myself: “I want to write every day. I need to write every day. I’m going to do it. I’m going to do a project of writing on the blog every day for the whole day. Project 365.” (You know, give or take a few words or sentences.)
Here I sit, 12 blog posts shy of crossing that line and I honestly can’t believe I got here. I’d say there’s no sense in celebrating before you cross the finish line but forget that. Celebrate every step, every mile, every bend. If it gets you to the end, or even close, you took all those steps, walked all those miles, leaned into every bend. It’s all worth celebrating.
Remember, being proud of yourself is a big deal.
What are you proud of yourself for having gotten through this year?
See you tomorrow, FOAS.