Living in the Now: The Secret to Peace & Joy?

Project 365, Day 205/365

I had a lot of topics on my heart to write about today. Some way, way more personal than others, but instead, I wanted to share something I struggle with because I can’t imagine I’m alone in this. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never lived squarely in the present. My mind is always in the future, perhaps as a coping mechanism of sorts, especially during this past year when I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on with my body.

Projecting forward and constantly trying to live in a headspace where I imagine I’m in perfect health and strong of body has kept me going on those harder, darker days. But something I realized today, though not exactly an epiphany, is that I’m missing the beauty of today for the promise of tomorrow.

This practice is not new for me. Being present has long been something I haven’t been good at. I remember being in school, thinking about getting home, maybe taking a nap or watching TV. I recall some of my first jobs, constantly begrudging where I was, envisioning something more. I used to think it was the dreamer in me, the optimist. But I see now that all I was doing was not living in the moment, and the moment we’re currently in is really all we have that’s tangible and true.

The last few years Charles and I lived in Florida, all I wanted was to live somewhere else. I imagined what that life would look like, feel like, function like. The fun we would have, the adventures we’d go on, the food we’d eat. But a funny thing happened. As soon as we landed in LA, for the first year or so, all I could do was count down until we could go back “home.” I took for granted such immediate access to my family, to the ease of not living in a big city in terms of quiet, safety, space, slowness. I spent so much time thinking of what I wanted, essentially nothing I had, that I never tried to find the beauty or the adventure or the fun right where I was. “When I get that job…” “When I lose that weight…” “When I make more money…” “When I move to that place…” “When I… when I… when I…” All this does is postpone actual living, robbing us of contentment. But wow am I bad at not doing this.

I haven’t read much of his work, but Eckhart Tolle’s book, “The Power of Now,” has been sitting in my nightstand drawer for about two years, untouched. I first heard him on Oprah’s Super Soul podcast. Oprah speaks of Eckhart the way most people speak of Oprah. He’s Oprah’s Oprah, and I have to say…I’m thinking that’s something to pay attention to. He has this quote I remember hearing from an excerpt of his book that I hunted down to share because it hit me hard reading it again:

“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry—all forms of fear—are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

Too much future…too much past. Those are the worlds I tap dance around constantly. I mean, let’s think about it. Worry, anxiety, unease…they’re almost never about what’s happening at that exact moment. Sure, there are exceptions, but mostly the source of negative emotions are usually about what is to come. When I think about why I’m always projecting to a time I feel better, it’s honestly out of fear that I’ll never get there. Sure, I’m uncomfortable in the present, but it’s about not knowing when it will end that causes the true discomfort. So instead of sitting in appreciation and awareness of the now, regardless of how I feel, I’m somewhere else entirely. What have I missed? What have I taken for granted?

All that is ever sure is what is right now.

I’m not sure if he would agree with me, but I think Charles is far better at this than I am. I’m not sure if I’ve ever shared this in detail, but there were about four years where we lived on opposite sides of the states. When he’d come south to visit me for the weekend, I’d spend all our time dwelling on Sunday night, when he’d leave. “I’m going to miss you. I don’t want you to leave. When are you coming back?” I’d ask him constantly. His answer always peeved me a little bit, because it didn’t appease me. “Arlyn, I’m here right now. Let’s just enjoy this and worry about all that when it’s time to worry about it.” I didn’t understand. How could he be so focused on the present when we knew what was coming and how our lovely weekend was inevitably going to end? So reasonable, my Charles. So dramatic, I tend to be.

Being present…not so easy for me. But truly, more and more, I’m realizing that’s where peace and joy live. If only I could figure out how to stop constantly skipping forward mentally.

Anyone else?

See you tomorrow, FOAS.