Project 365, 6 Months Later
Project 365, Day 185/365
I fully intended on sitting here tonight and writing a short excuse about how I’m giving myself the weekend “off” (one of my only 3-day weeks of the year in my line of work), and popping in to say a quick hello and some Happy 4th wishes. But then, I heard that little voice. “Stop coping out. It’s hard, but keep going.” That voice sometimes sounds like me, sometimes it sounds like Charles. Sometimes it is Charles. Anytime I even hint at slacking off on writing a post, or taking a break, or phoning it in, he pushes me forward. I’m not always nice to him about it—relax, dude—but I suppose I always appreciate it.
And while I have no idea how long this post will be (maybe short, maybe long…let’s see how much I end up writing), I did want it to be more than a sign off for a long weekend.
Writing every day, heck doing anything every day is very, very hard. Like, hard hard. It’s even harder when you mostly feel like crap all the time and you just want to do a whole bunch of nothing. Putting this pressure on myself during a tough physical time in my life was maybe not the smartest thing. Or maybe it was exactly what I needed to do to not fall into the trap of wasting away mentally and physically.
Some weeks, I’m happy to end my day right here at this keyboard, talking to my internet friends. Some weeks, I struggle very much. All the thoughts to give up enter my mind constantly. “No one really cares that much.” “You started strong but you’ve lost your mojo.” “What do you even want out of this whole thing…it’s not worth it.” We say such nice things to ourselves, don’t we?
I knew 365 days would be a long time. But when you’re living it, it truly feels like the minutes are moving backward. I sometimes envy friends who get to just roam free about their day, go out and stay out without having to worry about either writing early or coming home super late to work on a post. Sometimes, it’s a big ol’ burden. Right now, six months in, I’m struggling with momentum and enthusiasm. I’m at my Wednesday. Hump day…and definitely not lillordag.
Some of the projects I’m planning are exciting (the product testing, some new designs I need to work on, sharing some of my own recipes), but they all also take far more work then just sitting and chit chatting via the screen here like I do most days.
No one said running a marathon would be easy…especially when you decided from one day to the next you were doing it and didn’t train one stinkin’ minute for it. Whoops.
But here’s what I will say, because it’s not all doom and gloom: I’ve found so much strength, joy, and love here. Every single day. If there’s ever been a time in my life when I needed strength and joy and love, it’s been this year. And you all have been there, giving me just that. Or letting me air our my frustrations or fears or anxieties. You’ve let me self-soothe and I’m not sure where I’d be otherwise. On some of my hardest days, showing up here to either fake enthusiasm or the complete opposite kept me going. I suppose every day of not wanting to write is worth that alone.
So I’ll keep going. I’ll trudge along another six months. I’ll find a second wind and sail through. I’ll look back at this middle place and remember that I got to the other side of it. We all need those kinds of lessons in life, both for ourselves and to help others along, too. The only way out is through.
Again, thank you for showing up for me every day. I 100% promise you, if it felt like no one was on the other end here, I would have walked away. But there’s an audience in the stands watching me run the race, and when I start slowing down, or the leg cramps kick in, or I’m just over it, there’s always a cheerleader or two yelling loud from their seats to lift me up and keep me moving.
Thank you FOAS.
See you tomorrow, friends.