Project 365(ish): I Made It
And here we are. The last day of the year. The last post of 2021. The last entry in Project 365ish. When I first started this 364 days ago, I envisioned what my “grande finale” would be a year later. I thought about it often, mostly as a means of motivation to keep going. Thoughts of lessons learned would pour out of my fingers onto the screen. A masterpiece a year in the making.
But that’s not really what I’m doing today. I’ve left so much of myself here already that some forced retrospective would just feel, well, forced. At least to me. What a wild ride this has been. Impossibly long, I took it day by day. Post by post. Going into it, I thought I’d write so many other things than I did. Interesting fiction pieces. Poems. Long tales and stories. I did a little bit of that, but mostly, I sat down every night and wrote what I wrote, whatever that ended up being. And turns out, it was mostly just how I was feeling that day. I’m okay with that.
There is a part of me that wished something BIG, HUGE would come out of this project. Someone would “discover” me, have me write for them, want me to write a book or something fabulous like that. But sitting here, with none of that having happened, I’m kind of happy it was just us. Me and you, going along for the ride. It’s all the little things that came out of this project that has meant all the BIG, HUGE things to me. And on a personal note, the fact that I didn’t give up after many, many hurdles and hard days—days that felt downright impossible at times—is the biggest, hugest part of this all.
It’s hard to imagine what my year would have looked like without Project 365. Without all of you keeping me company every single day. Cheering me on, lifting me up, making me laugh, sharing so much of yourselves with us all. Those who commented nearly every day (Rusty, Emie, Pamela, Susan). Those who popped in and out (Sam, Debbie, Melinda, Remington, Kellie, Elle, Elise). Those who read often and didn’t say much at all (like many of my friends and family, reading quietly every day in the rafters). All of you amazing women who took time out of your own days to come see what I had to say. Wow is that huge to me. And of course, my Charles, who was physically present each day for me, encouraging me to keep going, not to give up, cheering me on, sometimes rougher than I wanted but as rough as I needed. This is as much his as it is mine.
The year chipped away at my “tortured writer” sense of self. I’m a bit less tortured, now that I cut myself some slack. Not everything has to be a triumph. Sometimes it’s just enough to be raw, real and open. In fact, some of the posts I felt worse about because they felt like “throwaways” were the ones you responded to the most. I think we all just want to connect with humans in a way that feels authentic. Sure, I love working on pieces that feel like I poured my heart and soul into them, did research, wrote, edited, rewrote. I can be proud of those projects I take on, but I’ve learned that yeah, I can also be proud of just showing up sometimes. And I can be proud of also not showing up, if it felt like too much. A deep lesson for myself in pushing myself toward growth when needed, but pulling back on the throttle when also needed.
As I go into this new year, my mind is in a very different place than it was going into 2021. I won’t be so dramatic to say that I was “lost” because I wasn’t. Rudderless, perhaps. Listless, sure. Who wasn’t after 2020? But I close this year’s chapter with a lot of pride for what I was able to accomplish. What I learned about myself, what I learned about a ton of strangers who hung around without being asked to. 2022 will be a whole new chapter for me and my family, with nena’s arrival. There will be a lot of challenges, I’m sure. New experiences to conquer, new levels of patience to climb to, but mentally, I’m as healthy as I maybe ever had been, and I’m grateful for that as I go into this unknown.
So, I can imagine some of you are wondering what happens next. Well…I don’t actually know. I haven’t really planned beyond today, to be honest. I’m not okay with just walking away from what I’ve built here, that’s for certain. Leaving everyone in the void feels like a strange thing to do. I started this blog for reasons unrelated to Project 365, and will likely continue it in the way I ran it prior. I can definitely say I need a bit of a break, and I’m not sure how much energy I’ll have in the last few weeks of my pregnancy or the first few weeks after, but I do plan to continue to write.
I want to finish my bedroom design; I have a lot to share and say with that when it’s ready. I want to write about motherhood, introduce my daughter to the world. I’m not leaving a black hole behind, don’t worry. I even want to encourage anyone who maybe has their own story to tell, their own post to write, to reach out to me (check out my contact page) and maybe I’ll open things up to guest posts from FOAS. I still have aspirations to share my own recipes, if only I could get around to taking some photos and jotting down measurements and whatnot. There’s a lot still here, and maybe without the pressures of posting every day, I’ll actually get around to doing these things at my own manageable pace.
I’ve been pretty bad about sharing any blog updates over on my Instagram account, but I’ll definitely be better about it when new things go up, so head over there and follow me if that’s an easy way for you to stay informed. That, or sign up for my emails so you know when a new post goes up.
And while I’m not entirely sure how to say “goodbye” because well, it’s definitely not goodbye by any means, I’ll end today’s post with a simple thank you. Again, thank you for being there with me along the way. It wasn’t always easy, but it was always worth it.
See you soon, FOAS.
P.S. Literally just typing the above line made me burst into tears, so yeah…I’ll be back. 🙂