Sometimes, Writing Everyday Sucks (Yup, I’ll Say It)
Project 365, Day 151/365
Some days, writing feels like opening up a window in a stuffy room, taking in that first breath of fresh, crisp air. You feel things clear, the heaviness lifts. Other days, it feels a bit like a prison I created for myself. An additional obligation I’ve added to my plate. I’m not someone who utters things like “I like staying busy” or “I just don’t know how to slow down.” I HATE BEING BUSY AND I HATE NOT BEING SLOW. I am a person who immensely values rest, probably too much. So on the days when I just want to be at rest, the thought of winding down my night at my laptop instead of…anywhere else…feels immensely stressful.
You know that feeling that sometimes happens, of feeling like you’re forgetting to do something? That’s me, every day, except I haven’t forgotten. I know what I have to do.
Don’t get me wrong. Those days are far, far fewer than the days that feel like I’m throwing the window ajar, breathing clean air. But today, as Charles and I drove around town as we like to do on the occasion—or rather, I force him to do because I’m the one who gets to enjoy the views while he keeps us alive in crazy LA traffic—I felt the weight of the post that awaited me tonight.
On the occasion, when I start to feel like this, I give myself the grace and gift of writing early. And when the night comes, I feel so light and free, I forget that I have the option if I want to do feel that way again. If I just stopped writing every day. But writing is my mental exercise, and some days, you just have to drag your body to the gym kicking and screaming. Those days when I write early when the night comes, I feel almost guilty for having nothing to do. Like a kid, the day after school lets out for the summer, but you haven’t quite gotten used to the new routine of not having to show up to class. (Wow, remember summer break??)
There are always things we don’t want to do sometimes, though. I don’t love the process of cleaning, but man do I love a clean house. So the end justifies the means. Always. I don’t like not eating cheese and brownies and pizza, but my body always thanks me when I skip them. BEING AN ADULT IS NOT ALWAYS FUN. Ain’t that something?
So that’s where I’ll leave you today. I promise I’m not down or grouchy or anything like that. I just occasionally feel the burden of my Project 365 obligation to myself, but it usually passes. Every time I get here mentally, I do the same thing: picture what it’ll be like to write the last words on the last blog post of the year, on December 31, 2021. I try not to focus on what’s after that, just on how good it’ll feel to do the thing I said I’d do…finally. Just yesterday, we saw some vaccinated friends, and one of them asked us all how many things in our lives have gone unfinished. And I raised my hand and said “um, everything.” And then I thought about this daily writing project, and I mentally, instantly recommitted myself to finishing. Even if it’s painful. Even if it’s not always fun. (But sometimes, it’s a whole lotta fun.)
See you tomorrow, friends (it’s Rabbit Rabbit Day!!!).