The Most Surprising Part About Being Pregnant? I Have Several Thoughts…

Working from home and taking video calls from the chest up is an interesting thing when you’re pregnant. Unless you outwardly “announce” that you are, almost no one would know otherwise. I’m not the type to just blurt things out about myself—which yes, sounds odd as someone who writes a personal blog and regularly is blurting things out about themselves on the Internet—so typically, my boss will ask me first if I’m okay with him saying something, and he’ll set me up to make an announcement. This has played out multiple times over the last few months as needed with all the agencies that work with my team on a regular basis.

Recently, on a call, this scenario occurred, and someone asked me, when learning it was my first, what has been the most surprising part of it all. I didn’t really know how to answer because I hadn’t actually thought about that until that moment, so I kind of just chuckled, said “all of it” and we moved on. But the question didn’t leave my head as easily.

What *has* been the most surprising part of it all? While it would be near impossible to pinpoint one thing, considering that, yes, in fact, it all is surprising having never gone through this before, one does concoct a narrative based on what you see in TV, movies, and even just those in your real life, no matter how close to you. And I have to say…it’s nothing like that. Not how I pictured in the least.

Ever since I was younger, I was convinced I’d be one of those people who had a terrible time pregnant. That all the weird, awful things that could happen would happen, just because. I was most certainly going to be this enormous whale who put on like 75 pounds, waddling around sweaty, angry, miserable, constantly shoving food in my mouth and craving all the things. But honestly, it’s been nothing like that for me. At all. If it wasn’t for my strange body symptoms I had before this all (making me uncomfortable literally 24/7 anyway), I would say it’s been pretty wonderful (morning sickness notwithstanding those first 13 or 14 weeks).

I would have never expected to actually like the way I looked. Having gained about 20 pounds so far, I’m mostly all belly, and every day I probably stop and look at my silhouette in the mirror a handful of times, in awe. My body did that? There’s a human in there! Truly miraculous.

Another thing that has shocked me is how calm I am. As someone riddled with doom and gloom worry for just about anything and everything, I’ve been surprisingly calm. Sure, I’ve had a few moments here and there, but in general, I’m cool as a cucumber. All the things that still need to get done? Eh…they’ll happen. That whole birth thing? I can do it. Is baby okay in there? Yeah, she sure is. I’m not sure what happened to me, but the stress sandwich I typically am has dissolved quite a bit, and I would have paid you money that I’d never be saying such a thing.

One of the funniest/weirdest things that has taken me by surprise is not being able to fathom who this person is that’s growing inside of me and how I’ll love her. Obviously, she’s my daughter, but I have a mental block on understanding what that actually means. I turned to Charles recently and explained this idea to him: “I know nena is mine, ours, but it kind of feels like I’m carrying my niece. I love her like a niece right now, because all I’ve ever known is the love I have for my nephews. It’s as far as my brain and heart can take me because it’s as far as it’s ever been stretched. Obviously, she’s not our niece, she’s our daughter, but it feels more like she’s my sister’s daughter…inside of me.” I had no idea that mothers aren’t just instantly connected to their fetuses/babies in a way that you think they should be. Like I said to Charles (and later, my sister, who totally understood), even though it feels like I’ve loved all of my nephews as my own, I can’t possibly know what it will be to love my own daughter. Who I grew from my cells and tissue. Who is half me, half Charles (in terms of DNA). When I look into my nephews’ faces, I see my sister, my brother-in-law, my dad, sometimes even my brother. But when I look into my daughter’s face one day soon, I may see myself, Charles. And I have to imagine that’s an experience I won’t be prepared for in all the best ways.

And lastly—though I can certainly keep writing, however I’m tired—the weird, alien-like yet incredibly cute and comforting sensation of feeling that little girl squirming and kicking and rolling and hiccupping…it feels so special that I and only I will ever know what that’s like. Sometimes, I’m overwhelmed with emotion thinking about how lucky I am to get to be a mom. Her mom. Even though she’s not here yet on the outside, she’s here with me on the inside, and it’s an experience all my own that no one else will ever know. As much as I can’t think of my love for her just yet, I also feel an intangible connection to that little person who I don’t quite know. A perfect little stranger. But I do know her movements, and I know she sleeps when I sleep, and she’s calm when I’m moving, and she has little dance parties when I’m relaxing, and she gets excited a short time after I eat, and she loves hearing her daddy’s voice, and she wiggles when I rub around my belly button. Who is she going to be? I don’t know, but I’m excited to find out.

See you tomorrow, FOAS.